Scatological humor warning. You may not find this humorous but it is scatological, literally. You have been warned!
Boy do I feel like an ass. I have been pushing Mark to have a colonoscopy since his last check-up when the doctor said “If you’d like to have a colonoscopy, just let me know and we’ll set it up.” With no explanation as to why he said it, you had to wonder. It is also a recommended procedure after 50 and Mark hit that a few years back.
Wednesday evening we were reading over the preparatory instructions. Maintaining a clear liquid diet all day Thursday would be an inconvenience but was perfectly understandable. It wasn’t until reading the next paragraph that I started to feel like the Marquis de Sade.
I quote: (my comments in bold)
“Beginning at 5:00 pm: Take four Visicol tablets (a strong laxative) with 8 oz. of clear liquid every fifteen minutes until you have consumed twenty (yes, 20) tablets. It is essential you take all of the tablets. After taking 20 drink one 12 oz. canof Ginger Ale. (Liftoff!) After you have completed the first dose of 20 tablets, you will begin having diarrhea, which may last several hours. (ya think?) Be sure to drink plenty of clear liquids!” (DUH!)
Now, as if I’m not feeling bad enough already…
“At 9:00 pm: Take four Visicol tablets with 8 oz of clear liquid, wait fifteen minutes, than take 4 more Visicol tablets with one 12 oz can of Ginger Ale”. (To the Moon, Alice!) “After taking the final eight tablets, take 4 Dulcolax tablets (for a change of scenery?) at 9:30 pm. It is essential to take all of the tablets! Be sure to drink plenty of clear liquids!”
I’m beginning to think I’ll be looking for a new place to live come Saturday. I say “Saturday” because he’s going to make sure I get him a decent meal, a ride home and endure a night of indentured slavery before breaking the news to me. Yep!
Friday morning roll around and everything goes smoothly. Mark remembers nothing of the procedure due to the nice ‘amnesiac’ drug they administer beforehand. Afterwards, the doctor greets us in the recovery room to say he found absolutely nothing. Mark turns to me with a glazed look and says “So this was all for nothing”.
Now I truly feel like shit! It’s not like I wanted them to find anything; the whole point was to hear the doctor say exactly what he said!
So, I took Mark to lunch…
(another story altogether)…and brought him home for some uninterrupted sleep.
I only wish they had administered a longer lasting dose of the amnesiac drug.